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If only I could see a year into the future...
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| If only I could see a year into the future... |
| 12.27.03 (2:07 pm) [edit] |
[i]Although I would like the world to change,
it helps me to appreciate those nights and those dreams.
But my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights,
if I could make the earth and my dreams the same...
[b]Creed ~ Higher[/b][/i]
Christmas has come and gone again for another year, and I find myself settling down to the old routine again. The Christmas season was a confusing tangle of emotions for me, a series of ups and downs that have left me feeling confused and not sure about where I'm headed.
Rikki and I got into a big fight on the 23rd. We were sitting in the breakroom, talking, when she made me promise that, no matter what she told me, I wouldn't stop talking to her. I was nervous but I promised, and she dropped a bomb on me. Her boyfriend had spontaneously overcome his reluctance to have children. They were trying to get pregnant.
I tried to keep calm, but as I told her later it was like having spent the last six months at the threshold of a doorway, and then having that door slammed in your face. The fact that she wanted me to stay and be a part of her life (and be present at the baby's birth) was tantamount to asking me to stand at a peephole in that door and watch someone else live a life I'd dreamed myself.
We got into a fight, and when I visted her on the 24th we hardly said two words to each other. I left quietly, sneaking out while she was reading her phonebill and doing her best to ignore me. She called Christmas morning, feeling better, but it was the start of another set of problems. Her boyfriend had come back after I left, found her crying, and she told him most of what had been going on. Now we are talking again, but I feel as if, instead of a door roughly slamming, now I'm being slowly squeezed back.
Apparently he told her that having feelings for other people can be normal. They are still together. She and I had a big talk, and I ultimately asked her a question:
If you knew that staying with your boyfriend wouldn't mean losing me, would the chance of us being together even exist?
She said that losing me was one of her worst fears.
I don't know what to do now. She scares the hell out of me. I've never cared for someone so much and the thought of losing her is unbearable. If only I knew what was going to happen. Her boyfriend is safe, he's stable and she has a good life with him. What do I have to offer? I won't be done school until April, and even then I won't be able to find a job right away. What happens if she does leave him, and then in a year things between us fall apart? I'll have robbed her of that stability. If she doesn't leave him, and I promise to stay in her life, how will I bear watching her have another man's child?
Why is life like this? I love her. Shouldn't that be enough?
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