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| Can something that feels so right, be wrong? |
| 11.17.03 (8:51 pm) [edit] |
[i]You know he's not the one for you, but that's no fault of mine.
He knows that I'm a friend of yours, but doesn't know I've crossed the line.
I know you've got a man in the picture, but it hasn't stopped me yet.
We've all been in one situation or another we regret.
Now I'm the other man...
[b]Sloan ~ The Other Man[/b][/i]
Now that we've got that little bit of background out of the way I can explain what happened last night and why it is exactly the reason I created this blog in the first place.
[image]macburn_791145942.jpg[/image]
Last night Rikki and I got into a real fight, as opposed to our usual banter. Stokes found out that we had slept together (again, not sexually) and for some reason had to prove to our friend Missy that he knew more about "Rikki and Adam" than she did. Missy is a good friend, but she sometimes doesn't realize that secrets aren't meant to be spread, especially in a small town where everyone knows everyone else.
Rikki was upset, and I can't blame her. When she found out what happened she grew angry that I hadn't done something more to prevent it, or used some kind of damage control. I asked her what she expected me to do, it wasn't like I had bragged to Stokes that we had slept together, he guessed it by the way we answered the phone that night when he called.
And yet I can't absolve myself of all the blame for this. I never explicitly told Stokes to keep his mouth shut about it. Deep down I feel like part of me liked that Stokes knew, as if my relationship with Rikki needed some kind of external acceptance. What a fool I was. I sometimes forget that Rikki has a lot more at stake in this than I do. If her boyfriend ever found out about our relationship it would jeopardize every aspect of her life. They share rent, he owns the car, and he's like a father figure to Lexi. Looking at their apartment, at the things they have in it, it's like their lives are inextricably bound together, and that any separation would leave deep scars and resentment. Not to mention it wouldn't be the first time he'd been cheated on, and he's a nice guy.
The argument we were having escalated until a tearful Rikki told me she wished she had never gone out for drinks with us (the first time we hung out away from work), met any of us (Stokes and Missy included), or grown so attached to me. Listening to that, blow by blow, erasing the last six months of my life, hurt more than I can say. I never believed words could hurt more than physical pain. Now I know that they can.
That was all last night. Today I got an email from her apologizing for the things she had said, but leaving what was going to happen next up in the air. I called her three times but she either had her ringer off, or she was ignoring the phone. I replied to her email, it was the only thing I could do. I told her that I would do whatever she wanted me to, but that losing her would hurt like hell. And it will, if it comes to that. I don't kid myself about how much pain that will involve.
Now I'm full of anger and don't know where to direct it. I'm angry with Stokes for shooting off his big mouth; especially after all the conversations we've had about how the things that we talk about are meant to stay between the two of us. So much for him being my "confidant." I'm angry with Missy, because she should be the one that Rikki can talk to about these things, and yet she can't be trusted not to gossip about them. Most of all I'm mad at myself for causing Rikki this much pain. I've been selfish, and now I don't know how to make amends.
Most of all I despair. Mom could tell on the phone tonight that something was wrong. I told her it was exam stress, and that's partly true. I do have two exams this week, as well as two assignments. With this going on, God only knows how I'll make out on any of them.
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posted by: OoLostEntity (reply)
post date: 11.17.03 (11:37 pm)
You cant just blame yourself..It takes two..There are things in this world we cant control and I dont think you should be mad at Stokes for talking if your the one that was doing something wrong.. Ive never been in the predicament you have been in..Because I avoid situations like that..Dont hold on to something you know you should'nt have, you are bound to hurt yourself, her, as well as several others in the process..If you have to think about it it for a while then its obviously soemthing you shouldnt be doing to beginn with.. Good Luck friend.
Best Wishes, Aimee
posted by: macburn (reply)
post date: 11.18.03 (6:41 am)
Reply to: OoLostEntity
I'm mad at Stokes not because of the situation, but because he and I had an understanding that we could share things with each other and not worry about the other repeating them. It just makes me worry that other things I've told him in the past might not be as secure as a I thought.
posted by: DRAMA (reply)
post date: 11.18.03 (7:06 am)
Friends, can't live without them can't dangle them from second story windows by their feet...
posted by: macburn (reply)
post date: 11.18.03 (9:46 am)
Reply to: DRAMA
Aint that the truth :)
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