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| Stop, please just stop! Let me off here... |
| 12.31.03 (11:08 am) [edit] |
[i]What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said, when I said:
"Don't fall away, and leave me to myself."
"Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands..."
[b]Fuel ~ Hemorage (In My Hands)[/b][/i]
This will be short because I really don't feel like writing. I really don't feel like doing anything. I just want to close my eyes and [i]not be[/i].
Rikki closed the door between us. No reasons, no explanations. She simply said what was going on between us couldn't go on any longer. She wanted us to go back to being really good friends. We could never talk about a future between us again.
We drove around a long time. We argued. She cried and I came close. I dropped her off and then came back. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. I don't know what I expected to hear. What did I ever expect to happen?
Then she said something that broke my heart. She said that she had nothing to give, and that David (her boyfriend) accepted that and loved her anyway. I told her that was bullshit, that she had so much to give; so much of her that I wanted in my life...
I told her I needed a break. I don't know how long it will be. I can't watch her go on with him knowing what might have been between us.
New Year's Eve tomorrow and I don't even want to go out. I don't want to go back to school, I don't want to teach. I just want everything to stop. I don't want to feel anymore.
What good is a life you can't share with the one you love?
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| If only I could see a year into the future... |
| 12.27.03 (2:07 pm) [edit] |
[i]Although I would like the world to change,
it helps me to appreciate those nights and those dreams.
But my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights,
if I could make the earth and my dreams the same...
[b]Creed ~ Higher[/b][/i]
Christmas has come and gone again for another year, and I find myself settling down to the old routine again. The Christmas season was a confusing tangle of emotions for me, a series of ups and downs that have left me feeling confused and not sure about where I'm headed.
Rikki and I got into a big fight on the 23rd. We were sitting in the breakroom, talking, when she made me promise that, no matter what she told me, I wouldn't stop talking to her. I was nervous but I promised, and she dropped a bomb on me. Her boyfriend had spontaneously overcome his reluctance to have children. They were trying to get pregnant.
I tried to keep calm, but as I told her later it was like having spent the last six months at the threshold of a doorway, and then having that door slammed in your face. The fact that she wanted me to stay and be a part of her life (and be present at the baby's birth) was tantamount to asking me to stand at a peephole in that door and watch someone else live a life I'd dreamed myself.
We got into a fight, and when I visted her on the 24th we hardly said two words to each other. I left quietly, sneaking out while she was reading her phonebill and doing her best to ignore me. She called Christmas morning, feeling better, but it was the start of another set of problems. Her boyfriend had come back after I left, found her crying, and she told him most of what had been going on. Now we are talking again, but I feel as if, instead of a door roughly slamming, now I'm being slowly squeezed back.
Apparently he told her that having feelings for other people can be normal. They are still together. She and I had a big talk, and I ultimately asked her a question:
If you knew that staying with your boyfriend wouldn't mean losing me, would the chance of us being together even exist?
She said that losing me was one of her worst fears.
I don't know what to do now. She scares the hell out of me. I've never cared for someone so much and the thought of losing her is unbearable. If only I knew what was going to happen. Her boyfriend is safe, he's stable and she has a good life with him. What do I have to offer? I won't be done school until April, and even then I won't be able to find a job right away. What happens if she does leave him, and then in a year things between us fall apart? I'll have robbed her of that stability. If she doesn't leave him, and I promise to stay in her life, how will I bear watching her have another man's child?
Why is life like this? I love her. Shouldn't that be enough?
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| What's the opposite of a role model? |
| 12.17.03 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
[i]I'm looking for a place, I'm searching for a face...
Is anybody here I know?
Cause nothing's going right and everything's a mess,
and no one likes to be alone...
[b]Avril Lavigne ~ I'm With You[/b][/i]
Well, I survived it. It's been a long time since my last post, a time I spent not sleeping, researching, and fretting over not passing my practicum.
Remember that teacher from my last post, the one who I said was so sketchy? Well, halfway through my practicum she told me that she didn't see how, based on my performance, she could pass me. This came as something of a shock to me, since I had spent the first half of the practicum trying to figure out how a teacher as lousy as she was had managed to survive 20 years in the Canadian education system. Now here she was telling me [i][b]I[/b][/i] was a lousy teacher!
It all went downhill from there. I started spending all my free time lesson planning, not pausing to do anything else. I stopped eating, I got less than four hours of sleep a night. Her constant interruptions during my teaching time destroyed my confidence in front of the class. If the kids hadn't been so great I probably wouldn't have survived it. I also had tonnes of support from the other English faculty members, my fellow student teachers, and my afternoon associate. Still the woman raged on, nearly pushing me to a psychotic breakdown. I eventually had to have a Professor from the University come in and watch me teach. Afterwords the Professor gave me a thumbs up and told me that she didn't see any reason why I shouldn't pass second practicum.
So in the end I stopped caring, and that helped a lot. I was able to put away most of the nervous tension and focus on getting through the days. On that last Friday I left the school feeling fantastic, relieved that it was all over and that, through a combination of support and luck, I had managed to pass. Then the days spent not sleeping and not eating caught up with me and I got sick.
So that is where things stand now. I'm back home, tired and irritable, but glad that the whole terrible experience is over. I hope that it has strengthened my resolve to do even better in the future. At the very least it taught me exactly what kind of teacher I [i][b]don't[/b][/i] want to be, and that is a very important thing to know.
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