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| Structure, I need structure damnit! |
| 11.26.03 (8:30 pm) [edit] |
[i]All her ideas were like smoke rings.
I had to know things,
she was a tangle of questions...
[b]Moxy Früvous ~ Fell In Love[/b][/i]
Well, I've been through three days of my second student teaching stint, and I'm confused as hell. The quote I took from Moxy Früvous is especially appropriate tonight, considering I can't get a solid thought out of my new associate teacher. I get a lesson plan worked out in my head that I think will work, based on consultation with her, and by the next day I have no idea what is going on in her head.
I've learned to dread the words "or here's an idea" as they usually mean that she's decided to completely rewrite what lesson plans we had finally nailed down based on some extravagant brain fart she's just had. I have been there three days and I've yet to teach even one of her classes. My second associate is a little more conventional, bless her heart, and I think she understands the problems I'm having with the first. She told me to relax, because it's not me, it's her.
Other than that things are pretty quiet. I'm low on food: having no car sucks when the grocery store is two buses away. I haven't had time to workout with Phil either. Rikki and I talk regularly, but tonight was the first time I've talked to my parents in days.
My student teaching days were supposed to be the best days of Teacher's College. What happened? No use worrying about it now though, I still have to finish prepping for tomorrow's lessons. And I want to be a teacher because?
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| Another weekend come and gone... |
| 11.23.03 (7:03 pm) [edit] |
[i]In your eyes,
I see the doorway, of a thousand churches...
In your eyes,
The resolution, of all the fruitless searches...
[b]Peter Gabriel ~ In Your Eyes[/b][/i]
Wow, what a week. I honestly wondered at some times, in darkest night, head collapsed on my desk, and sleep threatening to take me at any moment, whether I could generate two papers and write two exams in one week... Well, here I am on the other side alive and breathing, if slightly worn and tired.
The weekend was a nice, slow change to the hectic pace of the week. On Saturday Rikki and I took Lexi for a walk to the forest on my Uncle's farm. It was very homey to walk past the fields I had grown up playing in, carrying Lexi when she got tired. In the woods Rikki and I imagined a house we would build. I found a broken piece of glass in an old trash pile at the edge of the woods and we carved the symbol of a house into a birch tree nearby. I felt as if I had been transported 5 years into my own future and that this was my family, instead of someone elses.
I did a lot of visiting this weekend. I saw my Grandparents on Saturday after the walk, then my parents and I went to my Uncle's birthday party Saturday night. I went to see Rikki at around 11:30pm, after her boyfriend had left for work. When I got there she was passed out on the couch, so the two of us just lay there, faces together, me stroking her hair. I was completely happy in that moment, yet when I left to go home I felt like I was running away. What possible future is there for me with someone elses girlfriend? What do I expect to happen? Do I really want them to break up, and in the process cause her horrible emotional suffering? The answer is no, but at the same time my heart doesn't want to give up this closeness it's found. I don't know what the answer is.
Sunday morning I woke up, activated Dad's version of WindowsXP for him, then stopped by Missy and Craig's place to tell them I didn't have a disk I needed to fix their computer this weekend. I got back in time for Mom and Dad to drive me to the bus stop for the trip back to the city. I got back at around 4:30pm, only to spend three hours trying to navigate the bus system to get home. First the bus I needed drove right by without stopping. Then I got lost because most of the city signage doesn't indicate what busses run on the weekend and what ones don't.
On the good side, Mom and Dad told me this weekend that they are going to buy me a new computer for graduation, so now I just have to use this piece of shit for a little over 5 months. I guess I better stop praying for it to die!
First day of my second bout of practice teaching tomorrow, so I suppose I should get to bed early. I'm not looking forward to it at all.
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| Wow, where did that rug go? |
| 11.18.03 (10:53 pm) [edit] |
[i]Don't it always seem to go,
that you don't know what you got 'till it's gone?
They paved paradise, to put up a parking lot...
[b]Counting Crows ~ Big Yellow Taxi (Cover)[/b][/i]
 | If it wasn't for the fact that Rikki and I have made up and are on speaking terms again (I'll get to that in a bit...) I might have thought that this day was filled with nothing but confusion and stress. It's strange how even the most static-seeming elements of your life can change in the blink of an eye. |
First, I was browsing startrek.com only to discover that one of my favourite unknown actresses has died. Kellie Waymire, who played escort Melissa on [i]Six Feet Under[/i] and Crewman Elizabeth Cutler on [i]Enterprise[/i] has died of apparently natural causes at age 35. I'm left wondering what "natural causes" could be. Though my Father is a funeral director, and I know that it's completely possible for people to just expire for no discoverable reason, it just doesn't seem fair. I find Kellie's death a disturbing reminder of how fragile life really is.
In Memoriam - Kellie Waymire
Next up, I got a phone call from an old friend, Jamie, who needed a reference for a police foundations program he's trying to get into. A few years ago Jamie and I got into a major dispute over how he was treating his girlfriend. The issue was not abuse (he never once hit her) but control of her behaviour. We both said and did things that no one could be proud of. Over the intervening time we've managed to come to speaking terms again, but I still harbor doubts about his temper and other character flaws. I was put in the position of having to decide whether I could, in good conscience, provide him with a reference. In the end I told him I could do it. Why? Well, there are screening processes in place to catch character flaws like temper, and programs available to help overcome them. To be honest I think he'd be a hell of a cop; he's strong and intelligent, not to mention determined. Most of all, his behaviour lately (I've been hearing good reports about how he and his new girlfriend get along) has changed my mind about him, and I know from past experience how important second chances can be.
Throwing more wood on the stress fire, I got yet another call, this one from my Mom. She told me that Dad's employee, who has been with us almost five years, has decided to leave the area. His Father-in-Law, who is also a funeral director, is setting him up in funeral home of his own. My Dad is understandably upset; he had hoped that when he retired Sean would take over the business. Mom also dropped the bombshell that my younger brother Aaron was thinking about leaving his computer-programming course and entering Funeral College. She wanted to know if I'd be fine with that.
Well, I have no interest in being a funeral director; I'm committed to being a teacher. Yet I worry that putting Aaron into the business is a rash response to Sean's leaving. My Brother has never really demonstrated that he had the determination to stick to anything for long, and I worry that this might be yet another flight of fancy to be abandoned down the road.
With all the stressful situations I experienced today I needed to talk to Rikki more than ever. Thankfully our email correspondence led to a phone call tonight during which we reconciled and made an emotional promise never to stop talking again. We are looking forward to this weekend; we're going to take Lexi with us on a walk through the forest on my Uncle's farm. Knowing I get to see Rikki on the weekends is what gets me through the week. I know it seems strange, becoming so involved in an impossible relationship, but I guess it's a situation you have to be in to understand.
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| Can something that feels so right, be wrong? |
| 11.17.03 (8:51 pm) [edit] |
[i]You know he's not the one for you, but that's no fault of mine.
He knows that I'm a friend of yours, but doesn't know I've crossed the line.
I know you've got a man in the picture, but it hasn't stopped me yet.
We've all been in one situation or another we regret.
Now I'm the other man...
[b]Sloan ~ The Other Man[/b][/i]
Now that we've got that little bit of background out of the way I can explain what happened last night and why it is exactly the reason I created this blog in the first place.
[image]macburn_791145942.jpg[/image]
Last night Rikki and I got into a real fight, as opposed to our usual banter. Stokes found out that we had slept together (again, not sexually) and for some reason had to prove to our friend Missy that he knew more about "Rikki and Adam" than she did. Missy is a good friend, but she sometimes doesn't realize that secrets aren't meant to be spread, especially in a small town where everyone knows everyone else.
Rikki was upset, and I can't blame her. When she found out what happened she grew angry that I hadn't done something more to prevent it, or used some kind of damage control. I asked her what she expected me to do, it wasn't like I had bragged to Stokes that we had slept together, he guessed it by the way we answered the phone that night when he called.
And yet I can't absolve myself of all the blame for this. I never explicitly told Stokes to keep his mouth shut about it. Deep down I feel like part of me liked that Stokes knew, as if my relationship with Rikki needed some kind of external acceptance. What a fool I was. I sometimes forget that Rikki has a lot more at stake in this than I do. If her boyfriend ever found out about our relationship it would jeopardize every aspect of her life. They share rent, he owns the car, and he's like a father figure to Lexi. Looking at their apartment, at the things they have in it, it's like their lives are inextricably bound together, and that any separation would leave deep scars and resentment. Not to mention it wouldn't be the first time he'd been cheated on, and he's a nice guy.
The argument we were having escalated until a tearful Rikki told me she wished she had never gone out for drinks with us (the first time we hung out away from work), met any of us (Stokes and Missy included), or grown so attached to me. Listening to that, blow by blow, erasing the last six months of my life, hurt more than I can say. I never believed words could hurt more than physical pain. Now I know that they can.
That was all last night. Today I got an email from her apologizing for the things she had said, but leaving what was going to happen next up in the air. I called her three times but she either had her ringer off, or she was ignoring the phone. I replied to her email, it was the only thing I could do. I told her that I would do whatever she wanted me to, but that losing her would hurt like hell. And it will, if it comes to that. I don't kid myself about how much pain that will involve.
Now I'm full of anger and don't know where to direct it. I'm angry with Stokes for shooting off his big mouth; especially after all the conversations we've had about how the things that we talk about are meant to stay between the two of us. So much for him being my "confidant." I'm angry with Missy, because she should be the one that Rikki can talk to about these things, and yet she can't be trusted not to gossip about them. Most of all I'm mad at myself for causing Rikki this much pain. I've been selfish, and now I don't know how to make amends.
Most of all I despair. Mom could tell on the phone tonight that something was wrong. I told her it was exam stress, and that's partly true. I do have two exams this week, as well as two assignments. With this going on, God only knows how I'll make out on any of them.
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| A little background history... |
| 11.17.03 (4:09 pm) [edit] |
[i]Is there something that you're trying to say? Don't hold back now.
It's been a long time since I felt this way, so don't hold back now.
I purposely forgot about loving anyone...
Beauty let me go...
Beauty let me go...
[b]Tantric ~ Mourning[/b][/i]
Someone once said that fate is not without a sense of irony. The same day that I launch a weblog to give me an outlet for things I cannot share with those who know me and just such a thing rears it's ugly head. I had hoped to get into this aspect of my life over a series of posts, but as [i]someone else[/i] said, "life is what happens while you're busy making plans." So a quick review of my life for the past 6 months is in order...
Over the summer I worked a fairly crappy part-time job as far as part-time jobs go. I served up coffee and donuts at a shop in my hometown for minimum wage. After three weeks one of the supervisors quit, and the manager approached me to take her place. The job was hell most days.
During this time I met and fell in love with a girl who worked there. Rikki was a baker. I won't patronize you by claiming it was love at first sight; most of the other employees would have told you that we hated each other. Yet the constant bickerings and arguments were a symptom of something deeper. We began to spend time together outside of work, something made easier by the fact that we had several mutual friends. As the months passed the feelings between us deepened. When I went back to school in September I missed her. I've never missed someone who wasn't family before in my life.
My past love life has always been pretty barren. I sometimes felt that I'd be the bachelor of my group, the one who never married and only enjoyed the trappings of marriage vicariously through his friends. I'd never been able to find someone who complimented me as completely as she does. When Rikki, her two year old daughter Lexi, and I would go out somewhere I felt myself slipping into the family role quite comfortably. I began looking to the future, making plans beyond the month. I started looking at houses. The whole situation should have been perfect, if it weren't for one minor problem. Rikki has a boyfriend.
We would see each other on the weekends occasionaly, each time getting closer and taking bigger risks. We never had sex and we never kissed, those were lines we couldn't cross, but we cuddled and confessed our attractions. We had "theoretical" conversations about our friendship moving to physical levels. As I told my friend Phil, we did "things people who aren't dating don't do." All the while Rikki's boyfriend remained unaware of our growing relationship. Our friends began to take sides, some in favour, some opposed. Many told me I should move on, because "there's no way it can end well." The fact that Rikki has a two year old daughter from a previous relationship (whom I adore) worried my mother. I guess it was her dream for me to meet some girl with no past and start from scratch.
And that's where it has stood for a long time...
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| Well, let's see where this goes... |
| 11.16.03 (5:57 pm) [edit] |
[i]And if I stay lucky, then my tongue will stay tied,
and I won't betray the things that I hide.
There's not enough years underneath this belt,
for me to admit the way that I felt...
[b]Seven Mary Three ~ Lucky[/i][/b]
This blog is a major departure for me. I'm not used to putting my personal thoughts down on paper, let alone online. Yet lately I've found myself wanting to unload on some things that I can't / shouldn't discuss with family or friends. I was stuck. Then I read an article on blogging and thought that it might provide an answer.
My main concern was that someone I knew would find this blog and secretly discover what I thought about them, or some other information they shouldn't be privy to. So I've stripped all personally indentifying info out of my profile and I'll continue to do so with my posts. That way I can be reasonably assured that this blog won't accidentally be stumbled across by someone in my life.
I look forward to getting started...
[image]macburn_153280835.gif[/image]
_________________________ _______
[i]PS: The name of my blog, At Spes Non Fracta, is a latin phrase that translated means "yet my hope remains unbroken."[/i]
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