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| On returning from a friend's wedding... |
| 07.19.04 (10:15 pm) [edit] |
[i]And the reason that she loved him,
was the reason I loved him too.
And he never wondered what was right or wrong,
he just knew,
he just knew...
[b]David Crosby & Phil Collins ~ Hero[/b][/i]
I'd like to share with you some lines I wrote for my friend Jen on the occasion of her wedding. Things have not always been perfect between Jen and I, and I'm ashamed to say that at one point I opposed her relationship to her now-husband. It was a mistake I don't think I'll ever truly forgive myself for. She has never been anything but 100% supportive of me, and several years ago I betrayed that support. I didn't want to share Jen with anybody. I was wrong, and although she'll never read this, I'm very sorry for what I did. I think she knows it anyway.
[b]Watching Friends Dance[/b]
We are creatures of time and great impermanence,
and our span of years will fall behind our dancing feet with reckless speed.
Yet on nights like these we leave our lasting marks,
indelible impressions on those around us,
the ones we love,
and the places where we meet,
written in an ink that defies the passing of years.
In the sharing we are like the shooting star that, streaking across the night sky,
blazes with a brilliance that lingers on our inner eye longer than its fleeting passage.
And when the time before us dwindles in the face of years behind,
running our fingers over the pages of our books,
we will recall these moments of greatest bliss,
with joy piled upon joy,
and for a moment we will walk the paths we walked this night,
dance the dances,
remember our shared moments,
and relive our happiness.
I love you Jen. Thank you for being my friend...
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| Of freedom and politics... |
| 06.18.04 (12:43 pm) [edit] |
[i]Your mercedes won't start, yeah that's a crying shame...
I guess 90K a year buys nothing but complaints.
The people in my neighborhood think that I'm a threat,
while the boss gets richer they get deeper in debt!
[b]Gob ~ Give Up The Grudge[/i][/b]
For those of you who don't know, Canada is mere days away from a Federal election, meaning that the leadership of our country is up for grabs in what is essentially a two way race. While there are three major political parties, the Conservatives, the Liberals and the New Democrats, only the Conservatives and Liberals have a chance of forming the next government. The New Democrats are considered too left wing for the majority of Canadians and have suffered of late in politics at both the Federal and Provincial level. The Conservatives and the Liberals are currently neck-in-neck in the polls.
The focus on Parties during this election has cast doubt lately upon the idea which our democracy, and indeed every democracy, is based: the fundamental truth of representative government. Democracy prevailed over older, more archaic forms of goverment such as monarchies and oligarchies because it promised the average citizen a vote. In the most pure form of Canadian government citizens vote for a local representative who then represents their interests federally by voting on issues of national import at Parliament. Therefore, if a vote was brought to the floor against which the population of Constituency X was opposed, the representative of Constituency X would vote against it. This way the voices of the people are heard and the only things which come to pass are those upon which the majority agree.
However, this is where the Party system has caused an otherwise superior system to degenerate into one that might as well be considered a dictatorship. Instead of being elected on their own merits representatives cleave to one of the major political Parties which then fund their campaigns. In return, representatives align themselves with the Party in Parliament and vote the way the Party instructs. In this way the Party with the most representatives makes up the government. To deviate from that agreement by voting against the Party is punished severely.
Now, instead of serving the people, government serves itself and its benefactors. Constituency X might be dead set against Law Y, but if the Party is for it, and their representative is a member of the Party, then he will be forced to vote for it or suffer the consequences. Representative government then ceases to be representative. The only time the people have influence is at voting time. Thus voting time becomes the season for promise making. A point in case is Dalton McGinty, Premier of our Province of Ontario. During the election McGinty pledged not to raise taxes or implement user fees, in addition to many other electoral promises. Within eight months of being elected his government was announcing user fees for health care and a slew of new taxes.
Thus the system has become one where politicians promise the world to the citizens of this country with no intention of carrying through on their word. Local representatives typically vote the Party line and ignore the wishes of their constituents. Politics becomes a game of promise everything and deliver none of it. The citizens of this country have therefore become apathetic to the point where voter turnout for the last Federal election was a paltry 61%, the lowest it's been in over 100 years.
So if government doesn't represent the people, who does it represent? The answer is big business. Contributions to most major Parties come from donors in business with millions of dollars to burn. They help put the Party into government for obvious reasons. One look at the United States and George Bush Jr.'s tax breaks for wealthy Americans and big business should make that obvious. Vice President Dick Cheney is currently under fire for granting contracts in Iraq to companies he had interests in. In Canada the Liberal sponsorship scandal (and the millions of dollars wasted) has transformed the country from a former Liberal stronghold into closely contested race for leadership.
The Party system has generated a government "of the corporations, by the corporations, for the corporations" where "the people" are left to wonder why elected representatives they send to Parliament and Congress generate laws and take actions that run so contrary to their desires.
Hopefully someday soon the people will shake off their apathy and take back control of their country before democracy becomes as outdated and useless as the monarchies of old.
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| "Tempus Fugit," or "Time Flies..." |
| 04.21.04 (1:09 pm) [edit] |
[i]I found a reason to show,
a side of me you didn't know,
a reason for all that I do...
And the reason is you...
[b]Hoobastank ~ Reason[/b][/i]
The date on my last posting is March 6th, which means that I haven't updated my blog for over a month, and for this I appologize. Life has been incredibly busy for the last few weeks and every time I meant to sit down and write out my thoughts on how busy I was I would think of something else I had to do and was neglecting. Now however, third practicum is over and I finally have a chance to do what I've been meaning to do for weeks: get caught up on At Spes Non Fracta.
And speaking of hope not yet crushed, third practicum was an infinite improvement over second. I went into that month expecting to come out of it crawling on my hands and knees, never wanting to see the inside of a school as long as I lived. Instead I walked out of it with my head held high, and I have several people to thank for that.
First and foremost is my Associate Teacher, Margaret. My first day at the high school was meant to introduce me to her and the school. Instead she was at a Professional Development seminar and I was paired with the English department head, Peter, whose own student teacher was in for surgery that particular day. This did nothing but intensify my fear that third practicum would rival second for sheer horror. When I called Margaret at home later that week I was terrified and was listening carefully for any sign of madness or evil in her voice.
When we finally met I slowly relaxed and by the end we had become good friends. She eased me into third practicum gently, one class at a time until I had taken all three classes for the final two weeks. Most importantly, she inspired my confidence and repaired all the damage my second practicum associate did and more. She was a person to bounce ideas off, to provide support, and to inspire me in my teaching. I don't think I can ever possibly come close to repaying her for her time and energy. She truly saved me from giving up on teaching as a profession.
The other credit must go to the English department as a whole. They really took me under their wing and went out of their way to make me feel welcome. They provided access to all their materials, made suggestions, listened to my ramblings, and generally made my stay an extremely pleasant one. The only problem is, now that I've seen how that department works, they've set the bar so high no department the I work in in the future will be able to compete!
Anyway, so I am back, and looking to make some major changes over the summer. Stay tuned as I attempt to transform the very essence of me...
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| Nothing is forever, especially digital! |
| 03.06.04 (10:31 am) [edit] |
[i]Could everyone agree that,
no one should be left alone?
Could you take my picture?
Cause I won't remember...
[b]Filter ~ Take a Picture[/b][/i]
Missy and Rikki are coming up today to go shopping and very shortly they'll be arriving, but I wanted to jot down some quick thoughts that have been running through my head lately.
Phil and Andrea came by Thursday night and we all went out to dinner, but not before Andrea wanted a picture of me to show this girl she's trying to set me up on that blind date with. Well, I told her I didn't have any recent pictures because everything I have lately is digital. I ended up having to print off the picture for her on some photo paper.
It was such an easily solved problem that I forgot about it immediately after, and yet there are dire implications in that little exchange. More and more people are purchasing digital cameras over their film counterparts. Entire family albums are now on CD.
As a historian this makes me shudder. The most lasting things we have of times gone by are the permanent artifacts. Photographs from the dawn of camera technology remain virtually unchanged besides normal fading and physical damage. We can preserve these articles and they will last hundreds of years.
On the other hand, digital forms change virtually overnight. Already graphical forms that emerged only 20 years ago are now obsolete. Few computers if any read the tape drives of only two decades ago. The way computer technology changes we could lose access to CDs within a very short time.
Sure, we could port the CD to DVD and the DVD to whatever comes after, but each new change brings the possibility of format change introducing defects to the original image including colour changes or physical abberations. If the JPEG and Bitmap formats of today give way to something else in the future any translation programs developed to handle that change could also alter the images in unforseen ways.
And what of an EMP or other phenomenon that disrupts computer systems? Digital materials are fragile and susceptible to any number of negative influences. Perhaps a nearby supernova could wash our planet in electromagnetic fluctuations that destroyed digital media worldwide. We'd be without years of history because nothing was stored hard copy.
Even more disturbing is the movement towards converting hard copy to digital. Yes, it makes the rare hard copies more accessible, but we MUST retain these hard copies so that if we lose their digital counterparts we will have the originals to return to.
Just a thought, but maybe if you are a digital photographer you might want to look into making hard copies of your photos so that you don't lose 5 years of memories to a virus, harddrive crash, or CD degradations...
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| Make new friends, but keep the old... |
| 02.25.04 (10:26 pm) [edit] |
[i]I think it's the way God had planned it:
To open up your eyes, and make you realize,
that to some life is money,
but what's money without life?
Cause alls I need is the air that I breathe,
and my friends and family to believe in me...
[b]Trick Turner ~ Friends and Family[/b][/i]
Just got back from Phil and Andrea's. Jenevieve and I went there to watch a movie. We ended up choosing [b]Runaway Jury[/b], which was FANTASTIC. We ordered pizza, joked around, and had lots of fun. It reminded me of the way we used to be when we were all in the same town and hung out every weekend. I miss those days, and I couldn't help but wonder why we don't do this more often... a lot of us are in London now, it would be easy to get together once a week and hang out. Why do I spend so much time at home alone when I have friends so close to me?
I talked to my associate teacher for 3rd Practicum on the phone tonight. She seems great. She told me that if possible she wanted me to do a unit on [u]MacBeth[/u] in her Grade 11 University-bound course and that she would "ease me into" the two media courses that I've been positively dreading. I hope things continue to go as smoothly as they have been.
In terms of school things are rocking along pretty well, I got several assignments back, and 85, and 88 and a 90, all of which made me very pleased. If things keep up this way I won't have any problem earning Distinction standing on my Bachelor of Education diploma to make up for missing it on my Undergraduate degree.
I made a list today of all the big questions in my life:
:!: Why don't I know the things I should know?
:!: Why is it so hard to concentrate and get work done?
:!: Why don't I really hear when people talk to me?
:!: Why am I always afraid bad things will happen?
:!: Why don't I have any will-power?
:!: Why am I always afraid of change?
:!: How am I going to change these things for the better?
I really need to start making some headway on getting these questions answered if I want to be happy with my life. But not tonight. Tonight I need to sleep...
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| Immortality with a price... |
| 02.16.04 (9:52 pm) [edit] |
[i]Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off? Pretend it's all ok?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is.
[b]Box Car Racer ~ There Is[/b][/i]
Just finished watching [i]Underworld[/i]. I'm almost as much of a sucker for Vampire stories as I am for time travel ones. There's something about immortality that speaks to us as a culture. I think the reason Vampires fascinate us so much is that they give up so much to achieve that immortality; it comes at a price. Would you give up sunrises, kill to live, and watch the ones you love grow old and die just to ensure you never do? I don't think I could make that choice. I guess it comes down to living a short time filled with happiness and love, or a long time in misery and loneliness. I like to think I'd choose the former.
Phil told me yesterday that his fiance Andrea has met someone she thinks would be "perfect for me" and they wanted to know how I'd feel about going on a blind date. I can't say the idea thrilled me at first, but part of me is excited by the prospect of actually getting out and doing something that goes against my tendency to resist change. I'm hoping that maybe this could be a major step in the process I'm taking in making myself a better person. There's a good chance that the whole thing will be a collosal waste of time, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Those who make the attempt may not win every time, but those who never play don't even have the chance.
Third practicum approaches rapidly, only a little more than a month left, and I meet my new associate teacher on Friday. I'm petrified that this situation will be as bad as second practicum. People keep telling me to relax, but how can I when so much rides on a month of practice teaching?
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| Wrestling with Walmart... |
| 02.09.04 (10:57 pm) [edit] |
[i]Words are flowing out like
endless rain into a paper cup...
They slither while they pass,
they slip away across the Universe...
[b]The Beatles ~ Across The Universe[/b][/i]
It's been quite some time since my last post. School had been crazy busy up until now, but here I am back at home for reading week, enjoying the time off and doing absolutely nothing, which is nice.
I watched two time travel movies lately (I'm a sucker for any movie about time travel). The first one, [i]The Butterfly Effect[/i], was interesting and novel, and if a little conventional it was at least easy to follow. The other, [i]Donnie Darko[/i], was even more novel, but a little hard to follow. I enjoyed both immensely however, and even if [i]Donnie Darko [/i]was a little offbeat I found resources on the Internet that explained quite a bit of what was bugging me about it. It's definately not a traditional time travel story. I remember waiting for the bus outside school one day and seeing some girl write "Donnie Darko" on the dirty bus window. I guess she must have liked the movie.
Tomorrow I'm off to Walmart to barter over my broken digital camera. They were supposed to order me in a new one to replace it, but now they tell me they've stopped carrying my model. That means I have to drive over there tomorrow and bitch and chew and see what they can do about it. Dad figures if I offer to pay the difference they'll let me upgrade to the next model, but that could mean paying an extra hundred dollars! Damn you Capitalists!
Anyway, it feels good to be back writing again. Hopefully things won't get so busy in the next few weeks that I can't keep this up...
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| The clouds lift, the sun shines through, life goes on... |
| 01.18.04 (7:13 pm) [edit] |
[i]And if love is all around us,
how could this have found us?
The move you know, is don't let go of me...
There is a world,
inside the world,
that you see...
[b]Rhett Miller ~ World Inside The World[/b][/i]
Well, I feel better now that I have something to post that isn't horribly depressing. I kept wanting to post for the past two weeks but every time I thought to do it I was in a horrible mood. Complaining is such a waste of time, it's my way of dealing with things I can't change, and now that I've come to that realization I've decided I want to cut complaint out of my life completely. When it comes right down to it, I've discovered that I don't have anything that's worth complaining about when I set my own sufferings against those who truly suffer.
So now that I've put things into perspective, I feel a lot better. Things with Rikki are just as confusing as ever, but everything is in her hands. I've put my attention into getting her back into school. I contacted her old high school for a copy of her transcript and the Adult Education department in our hometown to find out how to get her into some classes. She deserves the education she missed out on the first time through, she is so smart and right now I see her needing to flex those smarts, and she never gets the opportunity.
On a lighter note, I recently started watching the show [i]Joan of Arcadia[/i]. I'm not a TV person, and I only watched the Pilot because my English teacher at the Faculty of Education said it was a good show. Now I'm eating them up, watching episodes as fast as I can download them off the net. I love the arguments she has with God and trying to piece together why he wants her to do the crazy things he asks her to do.
Last but not least, I managed to plow through all the mess in my life and get 95% organized. I have a few papers to go through, but overall my life is much more manageable and seems less overwhelming now that I've tossed so much clutter.
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| Things you will never read... |
| 01.02.04 (12:16 am) [edit] |
[i]I try not to think about what might have been,
'cause that was then, and we have taken different roads.
We can't go back again, there's no use giving in,
and there's no way to know,
what might have been...
[b]Little Texas ~ What Might Have Been[/b][/i]
Today was my first day without you Rikki. If this is day one, I don't know how I can endure day two. When they said you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone, they were right. I never knew there were so many things to miss about you, but every single thing that happened today only underscored the fact that you were gone.
There are so many things I should have said, so many things I should have told you. Would they have made a difference? I somehow doubt it. I wish it was me that got to wake up each morning beside you. I wish it was me who got to brush the hair away from your face make you laugh. I wish that for all the times I thought about kissing you, just once I had done it.
I know you will never be able to read this, but I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry I can't respond to your email and tell you I'm alright. If I try to talk to you I'll just hurt you more. You've made your choice, and now it's time for me to deal with it. Please understand.
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| Stop, please just stop! Let me off here... |
| 12.31.03 (11:08 am) [edit] |
[i]What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said, when I said:
"Don't fall away, and leave me to myself."
"Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands..."
[b]Fuel ~ Hemorage (In My Hands)[/b][/i]
This will be short because I really don't feel like writing. I really don't feel like doing anything. I just want to close my eyes and [i]not be[/i].
Rikki closed the door between us. No reasons, no explanations. She simply said what was going on between us couldn't go on any longer. She wanted us to go back to being really good friends. We could never talk about a future between us again.
We drove around a long time. We argued. She cried and I came close. I dropped her off and then came back. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. I don't know what I expected to hear. What did I ever expect to happen?
Then she said something that broke my heart. She said that she had nothing to give, and that David (her boyfriend) accepted that and loved her anyway. I told her that was bullshit, that she had so much to give; so much of her that I wanted in my life...
I told her I needed a break. I don't know how long it will be. I can't watch her go on with him knowing what might have been between us.
New Year's Eve tomorrow and I don't even want to go out. I don't want to go back to school, I don't want to teach. I just want everything to stop. I don't want to feel anymore.
What good is a life you can't share with the one you love?
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| If only I could see a year into the future... |
| 12.27.03 (2:07 pm) [edit] |
[i]Although I would like the world to change,
it helps me to appreciate those nights and those dreams.
But my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights,
if I could make the earth and my dreams the same...
[b]Creed ~ Higher[/b][/i]
Christmas has come and gone again for another year, and I find myself settling down to the old routine again. The Christmas season was a confusing tangle of emotions for me, a series of ups and downs that have left me feeling confused and not sure about where I'm headed.
Rikki and I got into a big fight on the 23rd. We were sitting in the breakroom, talking, when she made me promise that, no matter what she told me, I wouldn't stop talking to her. I was nervous but I promised, and she dropped a bomb on me. Her boyfriend had spontaneously overcome his reluctance to have children. They were trying to get pregnant.
I tried to keep calm, but as I told her later it was like having spent the last six months at the threshold of a doorway, and then having that door slammed in your face. The fact that she wanted me to stay and be a part of her life (and be present at the baby's birth) was tantamount to asking me to stand at a peephole in that door and watch someone else live a life I'd dreamed myself.
We got into a fight, and when I visted her on the 24th we hardly said two words to each other. I left quietly, sneaking out while she was reading her phonebill and doing her best to ignore me. She called Christmas morning, feeling better, but it was the start of another set of problems. Her boyfriend had come back after I left, found her crying, and she told him most of what had been going on. Now we are talking again, but I feel as if, instead of a door roughly slamming, now I'm being slowly squeezed back.
Apparently he told her that having feelings for other people can be normal. They are still together. She and I had a big talk, and I ultimately asked her a question:
If you knew that staying with your boyfriend wouldn't mean losing me, would the chance of us being together even exist?
She said that losing me was one of her worst fears.
I don't know what to do now. She scares the hell out of me. I've never cared for someone so much and the thought of losing her is unbearable. If only I knew what was going to happen. Her boyfriend is safe, he's stable and she has a good life with him. What do I have to offer? I won't be done school until April, and even then I won't be able to find a job right away. What happens if she does leave him, and then in a year things between us fall apart? I'll have robbed her of that stability. If she doesn't leave him, and I promise to stay in her life, how will I bear watching her have another man's child?
Why is life like this? I love her. Shouldn't that be enough?
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| What's the opposite of a role model? |
| 12.17.03 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
[i]I'm looking for a place, I'm searching for a face...
Is anybody here I know?
Cause nothing's going right and everything's a mess,
and no one likes to be alone...
[b]Avril Lavigne ~ I'm With You[/b][/i]
Well, I survived it. It's been a long time since my last post, a time I spent not sleeping, researching, and fretting over not passing my practicum.
Remember that teacher from my last post, the one who I said was so sketchy? Well, halfway through my practicum she told me that she didn't see how, based on my performance, she could pass me. This came as something of a shock to me, since I had spent the first half of the practicum trying to figure out how a teacher as lousy as she was had managed to survive 20 years in the Canadian education system. Now here she was telling me [i][b]I[/b][/i] was a lousy teacher!
It all went downhill from there. I started spending all my free time lesson planning, not pausing to do anything else. I stopped eating, I got less than four hours of sleep a night. Her constant interruptions during my teaching time destroyed my confidence in front of the class. If the kids hadn't been so great I probably wouldn't have survived it. I also had tonnes of support from the other English faculty members, my fellow student teachers, and my afternoon associate. Still the woman raged on, nearly pushing me to a psychotic breakdown. I eventually had to have a Professor from the University come in and watch me teach. Afterwords the Professor gave me a thumbs up and told me that she didn't see any reason why I shouldn't pass second practicum.
So in the end I stopped caring, and that helped a lot. I was able to put away most of the nervous tension and focus on getting through the days. On that last Friday I left the school feeling fantastic, relieved that it was all over and that, through a combination of support and luck, I had managed to pass. Then the days spent not sleeping and not eating caught up with me and I got sick.
So that is where things stand now. I'm back home, tired and irritable, but glad that the whole terrible experience is over. I hope that it has strengthened my resolve to do even better in the future. At the very least it taught me exactly what kind of teacher I [i][b]don't[/b][/i] want to be, and that is a very important thing to know.
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| Structure, I need structure damnit! |
| 11.26.03 (8:30 pm) [edit] |
[i]All her ideas were like smoke rings.
I had to know things,
she was a tangle of questions...
[b]Moxy Früvous ~ Fell In Love[/b][/i]
Well, I've been through three days of my second student teaching stint, and I'm confused as hell. The quote I took from Moxy Früvous is especially appropriate tonight, considering I can't get a solid thought out of my new associate teacher. I get a lesson plan worked out in my head that I think will work, based on consultation with her, and by the next day I have no idea what is going on in her head.
I've learned to dread the words "or here's an idea" as they usually mean that she's decided to completely rewrite what lesson plans we had finally nailed down based on some extravagant brain fart she's just had. I have been there three days and I've yet to teach even one of her classes. My second associate is a little more conventional, bless her heart, and I think she understands the problems I'm having with the first. She told me to relax, because it's not me, it's her.
Other than that things are pretty quiet. I'm low on food: having no car sucks when the grocery store is two buses away. I haven't had time to workout with Phil either. Rikki and I talk regularly, but tonight was the first time I've talked to my parents in days.
My student teaching days were supposed to be the best days of Teacher's College. What happened? No use worrying about it now though, I still have to finish prepping for tomorrow's lessons. And I want to be a teacher because?
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| Another weekend come and gone... |
| 11.23.03 (7:03 pm) [edit] |
[i]In your eyes,
I see the doorway, of a thousand churches...
In your eyes,
The resolution, of all the fruitless searches...
[b]Peter Gabriel ~ In Your Eyes[/b][/i]
Wow, what a week. I honestly wondered at some times, in darkest night, head collapsed on my desk, and sleep threatening to take me at any moment, whether I could generate two papers and write two exams in one week... Well, here I am on the other side alive and breathing, if slightly worn and tired.
The weekend was a nice, slow change to the hectic pace of the week. On Saturday Rikki and I took Lexi for a walk to the forest on my Uncle's farm. It was very homey to walk past the fields I had grown up playing in, carrying Lexi when she got tired. In the woods Rikki and I imagined a house we would build. I found a broken piece of glass in an old trash pile at the edge of the woods and we carved the symbol of a house into a birch tree nearby. I felt as if I had been transported 5 years into my own future and that this was my family, instead of someone elses.
I did a lot of visiting this weekend. I saw my Grandparents on Saturday after the walk, then my parents and I went to my Uncle's birthday party Saturday night. I went to see Rikki at around 11:30pm, after her boyfriend had left for work. When I got there she was passed out on the couch, so the two of us just lay there, faces together, me stroking her hair. I was completely happy in that moment, yet when I left to go home I felt like I was running away. What possible future is there for me with someone elses girlfriend? What do I expect to happen? Do I really want them to break up, and in the process cause her horrible emotional suffering? The answer is no, but at the same time my heart doesn't want to give up this closeness it's found. I don't know what the answer is.
Sunday morning I woke up, activated Dad's version of WindowsXP for him, then stopped by Missy and Craig's place to tell them I didn't have a disk I needed to fix their computer this weekend. I got back in time for Mom and Dad to drive me to the bus stop for the trip back to the city. I got back at around 4:30pm, only to spend three hours trying to navigate the bus system to get home. First the bus I needed drove right by without stopping. Then I got lost because most of the city signage doesn't indicate what busses run on the weekend and what ones don't.
On the good side, Mom and Dad told me this weekend that they are going to buy me a new computer for graduation, so now I just have to use this piece of shit for a little over 5 months. I guess I better stop praying for it to die!
First day of my second bout of practice teaching tomorrow, so I suppose I should get to bed early. I'm not looking forward to it at all.
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| Wow, where did that rug go? |
| 11.18.03 (10:53 pm) [edit] |
[i]Don't it always seem to go,
that you don't know what you got 'till it's gone?
They paved paradise, to put up a parking lot...
[b]Counting Crows ~ Big Yellow Taxi (Cover)[/b][/i]
 | If it wasn't for the fact that Rikki and I have made up and are on speaking terms again (I'll get to that in a bit...) I might have thought that this day was filled with nothing but confusion and stress. It's strange how even the most static-seeming elements of your life can change in the blink of an eye. |
First, I was browsing startrek.com only to discover that one of my favourite unknown actresses has died. Kellie Waymire, who played escort Melissa on [i]Six Feet Under[/i] and Crewman Elizabeth Cutler on [i]Enterprise[/i] has died of apparently natural causes at age 35. I'm left wondering what "natural causes" could be. Though my Father is a funeral director, and I know that it's completely possible for people to just expire for no discoverable reason, it just doesn't seem fair. I find Kellie's death a disturbing reminder of how fragile life really is.
In Memoriam - Kellie Waymire
Next up, I got a phone call from an old friend, Jamie, who needed a reference for a police foundations program he's trying to get into. A few years ago Jamie and I got into a major dispute over how he was treating his girlfriend. The issue was not abuse (he never once hit her) but control of her behaviour. We both said and did things that no one could be proud of. Over the intervening time we've managed to come to speaking terms again, but I still harbor doubts about his temper and other character flaws. I was put in the position of having to decide whether I could, in good conscience, provide him with a reference. In the end I told him I could do it. Why? Well, there are screening processes in place to catch character flaws like temper, and programs available to help overcome them. To be honest I think he'd be a hell of a cop; he's strong and intelligent, not to mention determined. Most of all, his behaviour lately (I've been hearing good reports about how he and his new girlfriend get along) has changed my mind about him, and I know from past experience how important second chances can be.
Throwing more wood on the stress fire, I got yet another call, this one from my Mom. She told me that Dad's employee, who has been with us almost five years, has decided to leave the area. His Father-in-Law, who is also a funeral director, is setting him up in funeral home of his own. My Dad is understandably upset; he had hoped that when he retired Sean would take over the business. Mom also dropped the bombshell that my younger brother Aaron was thinking about leaving his computer-programming course and entering Funeral College. She wanted to know if I'd be fine with that.
Well, I have no interest in being a funeral director; I'm committed to being a teacher. Yet I worry that putting Aaron into the business is a rash response to Sean's leaving. My Brother has never really demonstrated that he had the determination to stick to anything for long, and I worry that this might be yet another flight of fancy to be abandoned down the road.
With all the stressful situations I experienced today I needed to talk to Rikki more than ever. Thankfully our email correspondence led to a phone call tonight during which we reconciled and made an emotional promise never to stop talking again. We are looking forward to this weekend; we're going to take Lexi with us on a walk through the forest on my Uncle's farm. Knowing I get to see Rikki on the weekends is what gets me through the week. I know it seems strange, becoming so involved in an impossible relationship, but I guess it's a situation you have to be in to understand.
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| Can something that feels so right, be wrong? |
| 11.17.03 (8:51 pm) [edit] |
[i]You know he's not the one for you, but that's no fault of mine.
He knows that I'm a friend of yours, but doesn't know I've crossed the line.
I know you've got a man in the picture, but it hasn't stopped me yet.
We've all been in one situation or another we regret.
Now I'm the other man...
[b]Sloan ~ The Other Man[/b][/i]
Now that we've got that little bit of background out of the way I can explain what happened last night and why it is exactly the reason I created this blog in the first place.
[image]macburn_791145942.jpg[/image]
Last night Rikki and I got into a real fight, as opposed to our usual banter. Stokes found out that we had slept together (again, not sexually) and for some reason had to prove to our friend Missy that he knew more about "Rikki and Adam" than she did. Missy is a good friend, but she sometimes doesn't realize that secrets aren't meant to be spread, especially in a small town where everyone knows everyone else.
Rikki was upset, and I can't blame her. When she found out what happened she grew angry that I hadn't done something more to prevent it, or used some kind of damage control. I asked her what she expected me to do, it wasn't like I had bragged to Stokes that we had slept together, he guessed it by the way we answered the phone that night when he called.
And yet I can't absolve myself of all the blame for this. I never explicitly told Stokes to keep his mouth shut about it. Deep down I feel like part of me liked that Stokes knew, as if my relationship with Rikki needed some kind of external acceptance. What a fool I was. I sometimes forget that Rikki has a lot more at stake in this than I do. If her boyfriend ever found out about our relationship it would jeopardize every aspect of her life. They share rent, he owns the car, and he's like a father figure to Lexi. Looking at their apartment, at the things they have in it, it's like their lives are inextricably bound together, and that any separation would leave deep scars and resentment. Not to mention it wouldn't be the first time he'd been cheated on, and he's a nice guy.
The argument we were having escalated until a tearful Rikki told me she wished she had never gone out for drinks with us (the first time we hung out away from work), met any of us (Stokes and Missy included), or grown so attached to me. Listening to that, blow by blow, erasing the last six months of my life, hurt more than I can say. I never believed words could hurt more than physical pain. Now I know that they can.
That was all last night. Today I got an email from her apologizing for the things she had said, but leaving what was going to happen next up in the air. I called her three times but she either had her ringer off, or she was ignoring the phone. I replied to her email, it was the only thing I could do. I told her that I would do whatever she wanted me to, but that losing her would hurt like hell. And it will, if it comes to that. I don't kid myself about how much pain that will involve.
Now I'm full of anger and don't know where to direct it. I'm angry with Stokes for shooting off his big mouth; especially after all the conversations we've had about how the things that we talk about are meant to stay between the two of us. So much for him being my "confidant." I'm angry with Missy, because she should be the one that Rikki can talk to about these things, and yet she can't be trusted not to gossip about them. Most of all I'm mad at myself for causing Rikki this much pain. I've been selfish, and now I don't know how to make amends.
Most of all I despair. Mom could tell on the phone tonight that something was wrong. I told her it was exam stress, and that's partly true. I do have two exams this week, as well as two assignments. With this going on, God only knows how I'll make out on any of them.
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| A little background history... |
| 11.17.03 (4:09 pm) [edit] |
[i]Is there something that you're trying to say? Don't hold back now.
It's been a long time since I felt this way, so don't hold back now.
I purposely forgot about loving anyone...
Beauty let me go...
Beauty let me go...
[b]Tantric ~ Mourning[/b][/i]
Someone once said that fate is not without a sense of irony. The same day that I launch a weblog to give me an outlet for things I cannot share with those who know me and just such a thing rears it's ugly head. I had hoped to get into this aspect of my life over a series of posts, but as [i]someone else[/i] said, "life is what happens while you're busy making plans." So a quick review of my life for the past 6 months is in order...
Over the summer I worked a fairly crappy part-time job as far as part-time jobs go. I served up coffee and donuts at a shop in my hometown for minimum wage. After three weeks one of the supervisors quit, and the manager approached me to take her place. The job was hell most days.
During this time I met and fell in love with a girl who worked there. Rikki was a baker. I won't patronize you by claiming it was love at first sight; most of the other employees would have told you that we hated each other. Yet the constant bickerings and arguments were a symptom of something deeper. We began to spend time together outside of work, something made easier by the fact that we had several mutual friends. As the months passed the feelings between us deepened. When I went back to school in September I missed her. I've never missed someone who wasn't family before in my life.
My past love life has always been pretty barren. I sometimes felt that I'd be the bachelor of my group, the one who never married and only enjoyed the trappings of marriage vicariously through his friends. I'd never been able to find someone who complimented me as completely as she does. When Rikki, her two year old daughter Lexi, and I would go out somewhere I felt myself slipping into the family role quite comfortably. I began looking to the future, making plans beyond the month. I started looking at houses. The whole situation should have been perfect, if it weren't for one minor problem. Rikki has a boyfriend.
We would see each other on the weekends occasionaly, each time getting closer and taking bigger risks. We never had sex and we never kissed, those were lines we couldn't cross, but we cuddled and confessed our attractions. We had "theoretical" conversations about our friendship moving to physical levels. As I told my friend Phil, we did "things people who aren't dating don't do." All the while Rikki's boyfriend remained unaware of our growing relationship. Our friends began to take sides, some in favour, some opposed. Many told me I should move on, because "there's no way it can end well." The fact that Rikki has a two year old daughter from a previous relationship (whom I adore) worried my mother. I guess it was her dream for me to meet some girl with no past and start from scratch.
And that's where it has stood for a long time...
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| Well, let's see where this goes... |
| 11.16.03 (5:57 pm) [edit] |
[i]And if I stay lucky, then my tongue will stay tied,
and I won't betray the things that I hide.
There's not enough years underneath this belt,
for me to admit the way that I felt...
[b]Seven Mary Three ~ Lucky[/i][/b]
This blog is a major departure for me. I'm not used to putting my personal thoughts down on paper, let alone online. Yet lately I've found myself wanting to unload on some things that I can't / shouldn't discuss with family or friends. I was stuck. Then I read an article on blogging and thought that it might provide an answer.
My main concern was that someone I knew would find this blog and secretly discover what I thought about them, or some other information they shouldn't be privy to. So I've stripped all personally indentifying info out of my profile and I'll continue to do so with my posts. That way I can be reasonably assured that this blog won't accidentally be stumbled across by someone in my life.
I look forward to getting started...
[image]macburn_153280835.gif[/image]
_________________________ _______
[i]PS: The name of my blog, At Spes Non Fracta, is a latin phrase that translated means "yet my hope remains unbroken."[/i]
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